A new chapter

Today I had my four month and final post partum visit EVER. I'm a little surprised at the emotions I am carrying today and have been over the last few days. While I feel that our family is complete and know that I am incredibly blessed for the four beautiful, healthy children I have this visit still marks the end to a chapter of my life. By choice, my child bearing years are over. I will never feel the excitement of discovering a new life growing within my body, the little kicks and hiccups, the nausea, swollen ankles and all of the good and trying challenges of carrying the unborn within your body. I will never experience the anticipation of the impending arrival of my new baby, the giddiness of the start of labor, the incredible, raw power of childbirth and the relief of a new being slipping from my womb into the world. I'm grateful that I felt every moment of it without alteration and surrendered myself to its power. It is a true gift from God and I will treasure those days for as long as I live.

I have spent a lot of time lately reflecting on each of my four pregnancy journeys and how each child's birth has shaped my life as both a mother and as a woman. While there may be things about each experience I would like to change if I could, I also see how each event has had its place in influencing each decision leading up to Amalia's birth. Without those experiences, the magnitude of what was experienced in my last birth may not have had the impact that I feel now. Perhaps I would not have taken the journey I did. Instead of letting those details torment me, I feel that I am able to embrace them since I can clearly see the lessons I was meant to learn. It really solidifies my belief that the whole maternal experience is one of deep spirituality and not solely physical pathology as the medical community treats it. Spirituality in birth is one of those things that is seriously overlooked in our culture and that is a shame.....but that is a thought for another entry.

I hope that as things are finally starting to settle into a rhythem, I can start hammering out all of the thoughts running in my head. Over the last few nights, I have been awakening not only to a hungry baby, but by the abundance of thoughts in my head that need to be let out.