Maternity Leave Paperwork....

In preparation for my impending leave I have an abundance of forms to fill out for our HR Department. As I look at this stuff and some of the questions included, I can’t help but laugh and my mind fills with all kinds of sarcastic remarks that I could include in the paperwork.

FORM #1

Question #2
Is this condition due to a) Sickness b) accident c) Surgery
Response: Both a & b. Some may argue that we are crazy for having a baby thus indicating severe mental illness. Accident could be justifiable since it wasn’t completely planned nor prevented. Things happen.

Question #3
Describe how the injury incurred (what, how, where, when) or the nature and details of the sickness and when it began:
Response: Well, it was incurred the conventional way. I suppose on a Saturday night in May 2006, we got a little bored at home and one thing led to another. (Please refer to health education books for further explanation, if required). A few weeks later I missed my period and started to experience some nausea and later some swelling within the abdomen. This has progressed for the last nine months and further symptoms have included weight gain, swelling of the feet and ankles, increased appetite, absent mindedness, moodiness and strange movement within the abdominal cavity. The midwife has come to the conclusion that I am experiencing pregnancy.

Question #4
Is this disability related to your employment?
Response: Yes. Since both employee and spouse met and work at the same firm this would qualify as employment related.

FORM #2

Question #2
a) Diagnosis: Pregnancy
b) Objective Findings (including x-rays, EKGs, Psychiatric testing, laboratory data and clinical findings):
Response: Patient presented in June 2006 with symptoms suggestive of pregnancy. A urinalysis conducted concluded that the HCG levels were supportive of pregnancy. Numerous ultrasounds were conducted to verify the cell growth within the uterine cavity supporting the preliminary diagnosis of pregnancy. Eventually, evacuation of cells must occur resulting in several weeks of physical healing and a lifetime of mental strain. Further psychological evaluation indicates mood swings, weepiness and exhaustion of the patient resulting in mental strain of the patient’s spouse.

Question #3
Has patient ever been treated for the same or similar condition? If yes, state when and describe.
Response: Patient has experienced condition twice in the past. The first time occurred in 1996 and resulted in a 6 pound 6 ounce female. The following year, the patient presented with a 7 pound male.